May It Be Done According to Your Word

If you’re a human being living in the 21st century then you’ve probably had an existential crisis at some point in your life.

Who hasn’t?

Especially if you are in your late twenties as I am and the sweet feeling of youth is beginning to slip from your grasp as the birth pangs of gray hair and back pain begin to usher in.

It’s in these moments of our lives when we question our life compass with an inward murmur of:

What now?

+++

I remember when I was a new convert to Orthodoxy and the idea of the priesthood struck me. I remember spending hours trying to mentally distinguish between going to the military or going to seminary. I created a chart that showed the pros and cons of doing both and came to the conclusion that I wanted to be a priest.

For the next 5 years and counting, God laughed.

And He laughed hard.

As mentioned in my article, ‘Can These Bones Live?’, I got kicked out of college and my life map got blown up into a million pieces. Everything I planned, charted, and presupposed about my life goals dissipated.

Needless to say, I was humbled.

And I’m still in the process of being humbled!

It wasn’t until after about 6 years of growing, learning, grieving, relocating, and finally shedding my own will that I finally was tonsured a reader in the Church (the first step to priesthood).

And after all that, I finally am able to understand with just a little bit of insight what the Theotokos meant when she said to the angel Gabriel, “May it be done according to your word”.

+++

Will I ever become a priest?

I don’t know and I no longer try to plan my life out revolving around the idea that I might become one. As my Godson put it ever so eloquently, ‘you don’t choose to be a priest, you are appointed one’.

Anything we do for the kingdom of Heaven seems to be this way.

If I can give some advice for anyone thinking of pursuing clerical roles or leadership opportunities with the Church, it’d be to let your desires be known to God, then your spiritual father, and then…

…forget about it.

Our Father in Heaven knows what is best for us. If He desires anyone to do anything in particular, He will make that quite clear. Our job is to be humble and receptive to His commands; to pray always and be obedient to our bishops and spiritual fathers.

Ultimately, in order to cast out from within all forms of egoism and delusion, we ought to acquire a strong sense of humility since, in the words of St. John Climacus,

“Humility is the only virtue the devils cannot imitate”.

+++

This post, I realize, is different than what I usually post but these things have been in my heart for a while.

I pray that the words that are read in this article are edifying and that God will aid all of us in our discernment in this life.

-m.