“When I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines
I’m with your ghost again”
—“Colder Weather”, Zac Brown Band
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Last week, my wife and I were at my best friend’s house enjoying some old videos of our past shenanigans. We shared laughs and reminisced on the memories we had of our former selves.
Younger, dumber, and filled with lots of alcohol and naivety of the world around us.
Immediately, I was struck with a blast of emotions, an unshakable cocktail of wistfulness, melancholy, and…nostalgia.
I still haven’t been able to shake these feelings off.
They linger inside me like a lucid dream I can’t seem to forget.
Like a mob of ghosts demanding to be seen.
To be felt.
These are the ghosts of yesteryear.
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Before writing this post, I struggled with finding the word for the emotion I experienced while watching the old videos of myself with my friends. I didn’t quite understand what I was feeling. I know that I definitely felt nostalgia but it had a twist.
As I sat watching my younger self, It was as if I was watching someone entirely different, unbeknownst to me—except I knew the persons story wholeheartedly. It was like having read a novel and knowing the outcome of the protagonist yet not recognizing him when he appears on the big screen.
And all these factors just contributed to this feeling of a dull comfort.
A sadness but a joyful sadness nonetheless.
I remember peering into my youthful eyes, knowing exactly where I was. I thought to myself:
I know what is to come.
I know the mistakes you will make.
The people you will love.
The people you will hurt.
I know how you will suffer and how you will eventually become filled with ecstasy.
I know the people you will eventually lose and how that will break your soul.
I know…you.
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Our former selves, friends, lovers, or even strangers whom we’ve know for only an instance can manifest as apparitions of the past. Neither malevolent nor benign, they appear randomly silently asking for our attention.
Sometimes, they serve to remind us of the joy we once had.
Other times, to caution us in order that we don’t repeat the mistakes we‘ve made in either ignorance or stupidity.
And sometimes, they are just…there.
In any case, the veil of the past always seems to be torn by the spirits we create through our circumstances and, most importantly, our choices.
It is after our actions, that we beg the question of ‘what if?’
‘What if I ended up at that job?’
‘What if I settled with so-and-so?’
‘What if my friend didn’t die?’
‘Where would I be if this didn’t happen?’
And while I think it’s pretty normal to ask these answerless questions, we can have a tendency to remain frozen staring backwards like Lot’s wife peering back at Sodom and Gomorrah.
It kinda makes you think to yourself, ‘what was more important to her back there than the present moment?’
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It’s strange when you think about how in a span of a few years, one can encounter such an intense personal metamorphosis that they are no longer recognizable to their peers or even to themselves.
Think about it.
Are you the same person you were, say, four years ago?
How about ten?
What about last week?
Even if you haven’t experienced a total transformation, you certainly are different from your past self.
This phenomenon is a recurring one when held to the light of Orthodoxy.
Particularly in the light of the saints.
Whether it’s St Mary of Egypt, the former prostitute, who took great pleasure in abusing her sexuality or my own patron saint; St Moses the Ethiopian, who was a murderer and a thief; these individuals displayed a transformation of mind, body, and soul through their consistent repentance and service unto God.
And, of course, we can’t forget about St Paul the former persecutor!
Imagine what the people who knew them in the past said to them after beholding their transformation.
Imagine what the men of St Mary’s life would have thought after seeing her ascetic lifestyle despite all those former years of concupiscence.
Or the victims of St Moses’s violence—what would they have said amongst themselves?
In my own life, I can only imagine what my past self would have thought if he could have a glimpse of how I am today.
I can imagine his confusion, his disappointment with how calm I’m trying to be, and maybe…just maybe relieved.
Relieved that somehow someway…
We turned out ok.
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As I snap back to reality, I gaze back into the somber youthful eyes of my younger self and feel nothing but mercy.
A mercy that only comes from the Lord bestowed upon by the lessons of time.
I say to him:
‘My familiar friend, you will be ok.
Yes, you will make mistakes…but you will love deeply.
You don’t need to numb yourself.
You will lose your friend…you will grieve…but you will see him again.
You will find the love you have been yearning for.
Your lonely heart will be comforted by your loved ones and your spirit will be lifted by the One who fearfully made you.
It’s ok to not know what life has in store for you.
It’s ok to be wrong at times.
In the end, God makes a way.
I forgive you and God forgives.’
And with that, a warm smile dawned on the ghost of yesteryear and vanished into the shadows of the past leaving a sense of amity behind him.
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-m.
Of Sand and Bone 