This was supposed to be a holy blog…

It’s 1:13am. I’m lying down on my full-sized mattress next to an empty bag of Cheez-It crackers while a likewise empty bottle of Yuengling accompanies me on the floor next to where I am. I’m supposed to be tired. I worked my usual 10 hour shift at my labor job. You’d think I’d be exhausted per usual but…I find myself…

Here.

And why am I here? Why at this hour? Why am I not sleeping? I’m supposed to be sleeping.

Let’s unpack this.

I started this blog two years ago. 2022. There I was, again, in my room lying down in my bed. The post-pandemic side effects were fresh in the air and the zeitgeist that haunted my room was one of a cheerful disposition.

“A blog!” I thought to myself. “I shall write a blog and share all of my ‘theological insight’ to all who care to read it! After all, this pandemic has inspired me to live such an ascetic life and I just need to express this zeal somehow.”

I chose to focus on the lives of the desert fathers and mothers and crafted digital images to create an aesthetic for the blog.

I created an instagram page just for the blog and made sure to follow everyone from my personal account so that I can have an audience.

I made it a point to tell all my Orthodox friends about how different this blog will be and leaned in with an anticipation as they gave me verbal affirmation.

I had plans of making t-shirts with my artwork for the blog plastered all over them. Lookout ‘Death to the World’, there’s a new brand in town!

And after all this, I did what every great writer does.

…

I never finished a single article.

My first and only article that I attempted to write dealt with something that was waaaayyyy above my pay grade: what it means to be an ascetic in the world and how that connected to the Garden of Eden and how we can be good disciplined orthodox Christians and how we can live in accordance with desert spirituality and….

You get the point.

Two years later, I find myself scratching everything.

The truth of it all, is that I’m up this late at night because I’m running on fumes. It’s because I’m restless. It’s because I indulge in the lowest of vices. It’s because I lack discipline. Because I can’t stop the mirage in my mind that dangles forbidden fruit in front of my eye.

Again, this was supposed to be a holy blog.

I’m supposed to be tired.

This was supposed to be a delightful and eloquent journey into the minds of the desert dwellers.

But this isn’t a holy blog. And I’m not tired (drinking two energy drinks plus coffee throughout the day has that effect I guess).

I’m not a theologian or a priest or even a reader for that matter. I’m just an ordinary layman who enjoys serving his parish. I curse like a sailor and I probably drink like one too. I love talking about Jesus to my 3 year old Godson and I truly believe my wife to be a saint in the making. I thrash daily with a relentless thorn in my side almost always to the point of submission and then, afterwards, I stumble to my feet, wipe the blood from lips and whimper a quick “forgive me, Lord”. I’ve got plenty of friends in low places and far too many books I haven’t read which just gets added to my list of things I haven’t done but I probably should do but most likely won’t get done and so on and so forth.

This is me.

This is the desert of my mind.

And all of my micro and macro-isms are like frequent sandstorms that I am learning to navigate through with God’s grace. And, if it’s one thing I’ve learned in the last two years, it’s that I need a CRAP ton of His grace. Why? Because above all other fantasies of my own imagination of who I might be, I am indefinitely a sinner in need of mercy and forgiveness.

And with Christ our Lord, the penitent is always in good company. That I know for sure.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, Your stubborn little Felix the sinner and grant me many more years so hopefully I can get it right some day.

Amen

–m.